Falling to the inevitable

So I’ve been MIA for quite some time, and there are a plethora of excuses – for one I don’t have a laptop at the moment, it’s on-lend to my cousin. But the main reason is I just don’t have much motivation. I’ve placed all my efforts into my job and my work, that by the time I come home I just want to curl up in my bed and sleep. I’ve been very hesitant about going out in a social context – if the person I’m meeting doesn’t cancel on me first, then by the time I’m supposed to leave mine to meet them I feel really drained and anxious about going. I know I’m a shit friend, but that’s beside the point.

I mean don’t get me wrong, I know there will be many people discussing the fact that a social life is just as important as working hard, but my work doesn’t feel burdensome. My job is interesting, every day is different. My work colleagues are great, my managers are great, and the support network coupled with the culture and vibe mean work literally breezes past – My eight and a half hour shifts fly by in no time. I just feel like I live there you know.

But work isn’t what this post is about. This post, as the title suggests, is how I managed to fall to the inevitable outcome. So approximately 3 weeks ago I decided to pause my degree. If you regularly keep up with my blog, not that I expect anyone to, you’ll know this is like the 3rd time that I’ve done this. I did feel that this time would be different. I kicked off the maths section of the degree with a good start; I managed to secure top grades for 3 of my assignments. But somewhere along the line, I faltered. Couldn’t pinpoint the specific date but I know it was around the time I was handing in my 2nd written assignment. I had become complacent with the course readings, and I waited until 2 days before the deadline before speed completing the tasks. As you guys will know I am an avid reader, so finishing that and the accompanying work isn’t an issue for me. Even though I got a decent enough grade, I knew it was only going to go downhill from that point.

When I called through to the university to let them know how I was feeling, I blamed it on my job. But the problem is me. I am the kind of person that will stop something or quit something before it can go wrong. I would instead pause my studies then get to the point where my grades were a shambles, or I got kicked off the course. I am the same in many other walks of life; my friendships, particular jobs, my relationship, blogging. I should probably try and fix that, but even then, I find excuses to procrastinate that as well.

I don’t really know where I am going with this post – I’ve sat here for the past 20 minutes staring at the page contemplating where to go from here. Let just say, after Thursday, I have 10 days holiday booked. And in those 10 days, I will relish lay-ins, finishing my 20th book on my reading list, probably going to the gym (against all personal will), and attempting to schedule some posts for my blog so I can come across as if I have my life in check.

I’m probably going to end this here before I ramble for the foreseeable.

I will try to post something over the weekend. But we shall see.


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